


To Heal

by shiro_yuu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 20 years in the future, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attack, Suicide Attempt, daisuga - mentioned, its cute i swear, kagehina - mentioned, matsuhana - subtle, they have daughters, ushishira - mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 20:23:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6023455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_yuu/pseuds/shiro_yuu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's never late to heal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rock bottom

**Author's Note:**

> It should be an Valentine's Day fanfic, but I went to see DeadPool and didn't finish in time. Now I'm happy with this because it's a little too heavy to Valentine's Day.

He couldn’t beat him again. How many times had He tried, but never succeed? Why he keep trying? Why don’t admit he is a failure? He’s not a genius. He can’t climb that mountain. Completely useless. And Karasuno’s victory against Shiratorizawa proves him that he wasn’t enough. Even his kouhai was better than him. They were all in a different level, a level he wouldn’t achieve even if he destroyed his body training. He’s not a genius.

He lost things thenceforth. First was Makki who went to USA to study english. Mattsun starts college and hadn’t have time for him anymore. And then Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi went to Tokyo to go to college, medical school taking so much of his time that he almost haven’t time to breath let alone giving him attention. And then the oh so brilliant setter Oikawa Tooru receives his checkmate. His years of intense training take their toll, his knee was so damaged that he needed surgery. He lost everything he cares about in six months.

Things went down the hill from this moment, and he starts to lose his silent battle against depression. Everything starts to feel numb, he hadn’t strength to do anything. He went to physiotherapy because his mom drags him there, but the only thing he wants was to sleep forever, close his eyes and never opens it again. Nothing makes senses to him anymore, not even living.

His friends start to get worried about him, so he makes the only thing he really has talent to. He hides his emotions with that fake smile he uses during all his middle school, the sweet and emotionless laugh that everyone assumes is his real one. His lifeless eyes assuming that king of the world’s air even that his worlds was slowly falling apart. To everyone he was fine. Everyone except one.

Iwaizumi calls him on skype out of nowhere one day, and even if Oikawa’s webcam was off, the first thing he says was: - What’s wrong with you? Talk to me.

\- What? I’m fine, Iwa-chan. – The former setter says in his usual annoying voice.

\- You are not. You need 20 years of theater classes to convince of this, Tooru. – He says with a calm voice, making Oikawa sighs. 

\- I’m just bored, Hajime… - He wasn’t lying. – And my mom is getting me crazy with the physiotherapy stuff.

\- And how is this going? – The former vice captain asks softly, knowing that this is a really hurtful topic to Oikawa.

\- Its…. Killing me slowly. – He sighs, letting all his walls down. – I don’t wanna do this anymore. I just want to…. I don’t know…. To live, I guess. – And Iwaizumi didn’t need to see to know that he was crying.

\- Tooru, I’ll be in the city for the next weekend…. Do you want to go out? Just you and me, like the old times. 

\- I can’t walk too much, I’m sorry…. – He says, trying to clean his wet face. 

\- its okay, we can go to the park, and if your knee hurt too much, I’ll carry you home. – Iwaizumi’s voice was really sweet, the voice he only uses with Tooru, when he is breaking like thin glass.

\- Are you still this strong? – He asks while crying, not bothering to hide anymore.

\- I’ll always be strong enough to carry you in my arms, dumbass. What are you thinking? – Oikawa laughs softly with the rude phrase, snuffling.

\- Iwa-chan, so mean… - He says with a crying voice, and his heart light up a little when he heard Iwaizumi laughing.

They went to the park in the weekend and Oikawa had the best day in so long that he end up crying in Iwaizumi’s arms in the end. Everything was so right with Iwaizumi by his side. The weird snacks they bought in the convenience store, all the cokes they could afford, the endless talk about aliens, Iwaizumi seems to have read every single article about aliens released in the last months and updated Oikawa about everything. When was already night and Iwaizumi needed to went back to Tokyo, he carried Oikawa in his arms to home, even if Oikawa’s knee was fine enough to do the short walk.

Everything was so right. But then Iwaizumi’s finals began and he needed to stay off for a while and everything fell apart again. Oikawa falls in a spiral of bad thoughts, the despair growing inside him. His mom didn’t let him go out to walk, afraid of his knee, so he end up locked in the room for days, going out only to go to the physiotherapy, and slowly his mind was dragged to the abyss. He cried every day, barely moving out the bed, not eating at all. His body was slowly giving up, but his mind had already giving up of everything. It doesn’t take long to him to start cutting himself in an attempt of feeling something again. Pain was the only thing that remembered him that he was still alive, that he wasn’t only an empty shell.

He developed social anxiety, locking himself in panic in the bedroom every time someone went to see him, hugged with his cutter for dear life. Even when Makki went back from USA and appeared to visit him, he pretends to be sleeping. Mattsun haven’t see him in months because he was always sleeping or in so much pain that his mom excuses himself and asks him to back other day. Not even Iwaizumi was seeing him. He calls every day but Tooru never pick up, sending him a message when he is in class in the next day saying he is sorry and explain he was sleeping, even when it wasn’t true.

One day his panic attack was too strong. He feels like dying but he wasn’t afraid this time, he was relieved. He would finally stop feeling. But when the sensation goes and he was panting in the mattress, soaking in sweat, his heart pounding so fast like he had running a marathon, he starts to cries hopelessly. He don’t want this anymore. He don’t want to live. He don’t want to be here. He just want to everything stops. Forever. So he decides to take his destiny in his own hands. He can hear the door bell, and the despair take control of his body. He catch the cutter and this time he had courage enough to cut too deep. Deep enough to finish this once for all. And soon he was numb. Wet but numb. His head feels light and he closes his eyes. Finally his knee wasn’t bothering him anymore, the pain went away and he was glad for this. He heard someone screams his name in the void but it was far. For a split second he recognizes the voice. Iwaizumi. 

He despairs but it too late, his voice couldn’t reach his ace anymore.


	2. It's time to heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things always get better.

Oikawa abruptly opens his eyes, feeling his chest hurt, his heart punching his ribcage without rest, every inch of his body contracted and hurting, his lungs fighting to find air, his mouth opened as he is screaming but nothing coming out. He feels like he is being smashed inside an invisible coffin, the walls slowly compressing him, he can hear his heart and feel his pulse in his head. His vision is like a tube and he can’t focus in anything. 

But suddenly its stops. 

He is not compressed anymore, but his body hurt so much that he starts tearing in silence. He is panting so hard, and his lungs hurt as hell every time he inhales. Even moving his fingers causes so much pain that the give up trying after a second. He opens his eyes after a while, looking around without moving too much. He recognizes the light blue walls, and the ugliest chandelier in the world hanging upside the bed. In the pillow beside him lays a book he can’t remember the name now, but he remembers that the cover was odd and the pages really yellow and smelled like closed things. Little by little he put his thoughts in place. He had a nightmare again.

No, it wasn’t really a nightmare. It was a flashback, he remembers as he focuses his eyes in the large and prominent scar in his left wrist. Slowly he reaches his wrist with his other hand, rubbing his thumb against the scar, shivering with the contact. He remembers everything. He remembers waking up in the hospital, everything bright and white, his body numbs because of the medicine, but he can feel something in his hand.

He down his eyes to see spike hair against his hip, and moving his head a little he could see Iwaizumi sleeping while holding his hand, his lips against the extremely pale skin of Oikawa’s fingers. He seemed so destroyed, his eyes were swollen, and the former setter can see tears trails in his cheeks. And suddenly he felt guilt, because he knows exactly why Iwaizumi was like this. He didn’t even need to look at his left hand to remember what he had done. 

A soft sob leaves Tooru’s lips, and Iwaizumi’s eyes jump open and he lift his head, his eyes widening as he sees his best friend awake, and he starts to cry. Oikawa never saw Iwaizumi cries like this before. Even when they lose against Karasuno and he doubt about his ace’s ability, he didn’t cry that kind of cry. It was a desperate and full of fear cry, but relief at the same time. He hugged Oikawa’s hips, hiding his face in the taller’s belly and crying without shame. The ex captain slowly moves his hand to the spike hair he had always loved and twined his fingers to the locks, crying silently. 

Oikawa was losing himself in the worst memories of his life again when he heard the laughs. The high pitched laughs accompanied by the hoarse one, and he sits abruptly. He get up fast, feeling his knee screams with the sudden movement, it would be one of those days he cant walk properly, but he didn’t care. He staggered to the door, walking the faster his knee let him walk, his hand searching for support in the wall. He walks to the kitchen, stopping by the door, feeling his eyes watering.

Iwaizumi was in the counter cutting some strawberries, still in sweatpants and old Godzilla t-shirt. Beside him, sitting in the marble was Miyuki, stealing strawberries and laughing by heart every time the former Ace complains about the fruit salad never be ready if she keeps being a strawberry ant. She was still in pajamas, her black hair in a weird braid. Iwaizumi had never learn how to braid properly in five years. Oikawa was about to step in the kitchen when something grabbed his legs preventing him to walk. Looking down he sees Hana, also in pajamas, her short hair so messy that looks like she put her head in a hurricane. 

She looks at him, smilling with all her tiny little teeth and Oikawa loses it, crouching and hugging her, crying his heart out as he feels his three years old daughter patting his head with her tiny hands. And soon he feels another pair of little hands in his shoulder and moves his arms to hugs Mimi. He just shakes his head when his daughter, with all the clever of a five years old child, asks him if his knee is hurting and if he wants her to pick his medicine.

\- Its okays… Daddy just wants to hug you two a little, ok? – He asks, still crying but a little more controlled.

\- Mimi, Nana… Why don’t you two go with daddy to the couch watch peppa while dad finishes the breakfast? – Iwaizumi asks calmly, finishing the strawberries, smiling to them.

The girls get excited by the idea and soon Oikawa was between them in the couch, watching the pink pig with funny head playing in the rain with her baby brother. He wasn’t crying anymore. He don’t have time to this, not now while his daughter were awake. Kids don’t have too much time to waste consoling someone, they are electric and their minds are always changing focus, so he need to go with their focus and forget about his bad dreams. 

\- Hey, Mimi, did you tell to your dad that you fought at school? – Iwaizumi asks from the stove, doing omelet and looking at them with his always calm smile. After ten years of surgical emergency, he almost never loses his calm.

\- You what? Mimi! – Oikawa frowns, his eyes in his daughter, who crosses her arms and pouts while puffing her cheeks.

\- Not my fault! She said aliens don’t exist! And I said my dad work searching them and she still says they don’t exist! So I kicked her butt. – She frowns and Oikawa needed all his self control to not burst in laughs.

\- Oh hell, how did you end up with Hajime’s personality?! – He shakes his head in disapproval. 

\- Mine? She is fighting over aliens! – Iwaizumi says from the kitchen, making pancakes now. He loves to cook to his family, its something that calm him.

\- She kicks someone, Hajime, this is you. Totally you. – He laughs softly, showing his tongue to his husband, who groans fondly to him, making him blush softly. – But anyways…- He says, looking to Mimi again. – You can’t fight at school, Mimi. Only if someone is hurting you, ok?

\- Or if you want to marry them…. 

\- Hajime! – Oikawa screams, widening his eyes.

\- What? This was what I did and it worked fine. – He winks and Oikawa was blushing so much that he was looking like a cute strawberry. – Okay, breakfast is ready. You three come to eat, hm?

And they did as they were told. Oikawa put Hana in her baby chair and Iwaizumi help Miyuki to sit in the chair too. Then they sit side by side and the breakfast went smoothly as they chat about nothings, eating the pancakes and eggs Iwaizumi had made for them. After that the girls went to the bath, since they’ll spend their day with one of their favorite uncle. Iwaizumi bathed the girls while Oikawa pick clothes to them. It wasn’t like they let Seijou go, so the girls have a pretty good amount of clothes in aqua.

\- I REALLY THINK PURPLE IS BETTER. – Oikawa hears the scream coming from the car on the sidewalk, and he lifted his nose.

\- If your husband dresses my kids in purple I’ll cut him into pieces, Wakatoshi. – He says to the tall man on his door sill.

\- Kenjirou will do nothing, Tooru, don’t worry. – Ushijima says with a soft smile. – How’s your knee today? Hajime said you were limping.

-Hajime should know when to shut up. – He said loud to inside his house, and Iwaizumi screams a “love you too” from the girl’s bedroom, making Oikawa to grimace. – Anyways. Its fine, Doctor, it’s because of the cold weather, you know how it is.

Iwaizumi and Ushijima went to the same medical school and they also end up being roommates. In the beginning Iwaizumi freaks out and they fought for some months before they decide to let their middle school rivalry in middle school. For that on they become really good friends, also because Shirabu turns the former Shiratorizawa’s Ace in someone more human. In the end, Ushijima was the one who convinced, and helped, Iwaizumi to ask Oikawa to marry. He is also one of the girls favorite uncle, competing for the first place with Makki, Mattsun and Kageyama - who is surprisingly good with kids now-, but they probably still loses to the former Karasuno’s refresh setter who runs a candy shop and let Mimi and Nana eat whatever their want together with his and his former captain’s son.

\- Uncleee! – Mimi screams in joy as she runs to Ushijima, hugging him as he crouch to be at her height.

\- UshiUshi!!! – Nana screams too, also hugging him, and he get up with each of the girls in one arm, kissing their forehead.

\- Thank you for take care of them today, Wakatoshi… - Iwaizumi smiles, putting the kid’s backpack in his friend’s hand.

\- No problem, you know I like. And Kenjirou is happily bragging with Makki since he wake up, so everything is in peace. – He laughs, looking to his husband in the car who was snapping pictures of them to send to the ginger one while the girls pose grimacing to him in Wakatoshi’s shoulders. 

\- Hey, give daddy a goodbye kiss, hm? – Oikawa asks, approaching and the two girls kiss his cheeks. – Do not let them eat too much sugar, ok?

\- I’m not Koushi. – Was what Ushijima answer as they say goodbye and walk to the car.

\- He will let them eat too much sugar, isn’t he? – The former setter asks as he waves his hand to the car.

\- Probably. – Iwaizumi agrees waving until the car disappears in the turn, then hugging Oikawa by his hip he walks to inside their home. – So, captain, what we will gonna do today?

Oikawa laughs, hugging his husband by his shoulders, kissing his lips. – We should go out…. It’s your first day out without rain in weeks, lets go walk.

Iwaizumi knows Oikawa’s knee must be hurting but he is too careful to not let his husband feel unable to deny. – Okay. Weird snacks and coke? – he asks smiling.

\- Yes! Oh, you know me so well, honey. – Oikawa laughs, kissing him again, deeper this time.

A half an hour after they were in the park, Oikawa reclined against a three and Iwaizumi lying in the grass. It was a cold day, yes, but a sunny cold day. The weird snacks they had always loved were in a plastic bag beside Iwaizumi, and a six pack of coke was freezing in the mini cooler they brought. Oikawa runs his fingers in Iwaizumi’s scalp, playing with the spike locks in love. 

\- I had a panic attack when I woke up today…. – He says, looking an old woman walking with her dog. He saw Iwaizumi opens his eyes but he stayed in silence. – I think our bedroom was too cold and my knee began to ache… And this influenced my dreams. 

\- What did you dream about? – The former ace asks looking to the sky, his arms crossed below his head.

\- It was more of a flashback about the bad times…. – He says shrugging.

\- It’s been twenty years, Tooru…. 

\- I know…

\- Don’t you think it’s time to search for help? – He was still focused in the sky. – You can go to the therapist in the hospital where I work…. Or we can find someone in another place. Wherever you feel comfortable.

\- You know what I think about this, Hajime. – He replies sharply, moving his hand away.

\- Tooru…. – Hajime sighs, finally sitting and facing Oikawa. – I know what you think but I’m not your mother. I’ll not lock you in a psychiatric clinic. C’mon, babe. I fought her to take you out there. Do you really think I would be the one to put you there again? I just want you to know that it is ok to ask for help. You need to let yourself heal, Tooru, and you need help in this. And it is okay, my love.

\- But I don’t want to be weak…. – He sighs already tearing, lowering his head.

\- You are not weak, Tooru… - Iwaizumi says as he cup Oikawa’s cheek with his hand caressing softly. – It’s not weakness to search help to heal. It’s actually pretty brave, babe. And you deserve it. You really do.

-But Hajime…. You said you want a son. What if my mental illness gets in the way in the adoption process? – He says as he sobs quietly. 

\- I sure do want a son, but we already have a perfect family, Tooru. We have the more amazing and beautiful daughters in the world. And I have the most perfect husband in the galaxy. I would love to have a little boy in our life, but I’m already complete and happy with what we have, a son would just add more happiness to me. – He says firmly but smiling with heart.

\- I just… I just want to be perfect for you and for our daughters…. – Oikawa sobs, hiding himself in Iwaizumi chest as the former ace hugs him tightly. 

\- You are, Tooru. We have been married for ten years now, I’ve know you had thirty or so, and you have been always by my side. Sometimes freaking me out but always supporting me and making me the happiest person in the world. You are a perfect husband and an even more perfect father. Our daughters love you so much, Tooru, so much. – Iwaizumi lifts Oikawa’s face then he would be looking into his eyes. – But now it’s time to you to take care of yourself, my love. To heal your wounds. We will be here to support you.

Oikawa’s answer was cut by two continuous screams and he and Iwaizumi could see the brunette and ginger couple running in the park trail. The couple watch them until they disappears and then burst in laughs.

\- How can they still be that dumb twenty year after?? – Oikawa was laughing but it was a found laugh.

\- You love them… - Iwaizumi says with a soft smile.

\- I do…. I really do. All of them. I used to hate them. Tobio and Karasuno….. Shiratorizawa and Ushijima. But I don’t think my life would be complete without them now. – He smiles. But then he sighs deeply, looking to Iwaizumi. – I will search for help…. I’ll ask you to be my base again while I pass through this. I promise I’ll take this seriously. For you, for our daughters…. And for me. I want to heal.

Iwaizumi smiles with all the love he feels for this dumbass he is married with. – I’ll always be your base, Shittykawa, because I love you.

\- So mean, Iwa-chan….. I love you more. – He pouts as he lovely kiss his husband’s lips.

He will find help, he will let himself heal, he will be a better husband and a better father. And more important, he will be better for himself.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for making him suffer so much.  
> ButI just want you all to know that if you are passing for bad times like him, it's okays to ask for help.
> 
> Let me know what if you like or not the work ^-^


End file.
